Saturday 24 February 2007

a missive from a heart to that thing sitting on the shelf

rehi 'iana,

this was meant to be an emotion-less piece. alas, some words have just been bursting to get out. much of it probably shouldn't be said. but your future hasn't happened yet -- up to you to manifest. nothing to lose.

i miss you.

how can someone miss something they never really had? how can someone miss something that they only had for a brief instant? dunno. but there you have it. a form of fixation? perhaps. but studying the field of psychosexual development suggests not. what then?

it was easier to ignore you when you were simply a ghost -- a figment of the imagination. any feelings easily attributed to a krazy krush. easily dismissed. but the moment the ghost became real all hell broke loose.

my upper arm still bears a scar from one of our last nights together. an in-the-face dismissal of the possibilities of the ghost everytime the mirror reflects. hilfe! someone get this man some make-up!

but no amount of make-up is enough to hide the scar beneath. hearts slashed and tossed.

i am sorry.

wrongly assumed that emotional hurt can be glossed over if the spirits are strong. assumption -- the mother of all tragedies. but that statement needs some elaboration.

like the naive fool that i am, i place emphasis upon the spiritual connection betwixt indivudals. treat the temporal as inconsequential. because fundamentally, it is. and, as you once said, life shouldn't be taken too seriously.

thus most actions are just superficial and should be repairable. naive? yes. have i learnt otherwise? fuck yeah! go team america! hope this explains the "goldfish memory" behaviour that you witnessed.

biography had also been underestimated. myself subject to its reign as much as you are. case in point. nammi and i would be mid-way between a fight and all of a sudden would find each other in each other's arms. from what little i know 'twas not the same between jason and yourself.

the extent to which we are all defined by biography is amazing. but one point on which it was not underestimated was with regards the experience you had witnessing your foreign father in greece. thus the bet.

that bet meant a lot to me. in many ways, a statement of commitment. a statement i've never really made to anyone or anything besides the espian vision. commitment to learn your language. your culture. to not be outcast within your society as your father was from your mother's.

i like who you are. i love who you are. right to your very core -- foibles and all.

but, wasn't ever expecting to feel a bit like the protagonist of quadrophenia. if only the girl had loved him -- everything could've been different. a kaleidoscopic journey through alternative universes.

thoughts of you fly through even the smallest crack. a cigarette. a skirt. laughter. music. writing. glasses. fat girls. skinny girls.
moments of happiness. moments of sadness. every breath i take, there's an echo of 'iana.

even tried reading ovid's "love's cure".

it's said that you don't truly know someone until you fight them. well, it seems that i am a total jerk and you are a complete bitch ;p but besides rejection you never presented anything that i felt couldn't be dealt with.

your good points far outweigh your bad.

but, hey, no one is perfect. and you were right. i do love me. there's surely elements of egomania there. but it's not the sole definition of this creature. hopefully you see that in the various solutions that i'm trying to help bring about.

but perhaps all you see is yet another working to become a billionaire? most people don't understand me -- why should you be any different? too many double binds tightly packaged. too much contradiction -- verging on hypocrisy.

but i would like you to understand me. at least to try. is that selfish? yes.

i am sorry.

for mistaking your insecurities for arrogance. shoud have been more sensitive to your fears and worries. life has taught me to not care about risks -- to dive in if the feeling is right. shouldn't have expected you to do the same.

speaking of insecurities, you'll be happy to know that you made me feel jealousy for the first time. of hiro. of savas. of your phone. heh. stripped of protective shells i felt vulnerable and reacted in ways that i'm not proud of.

a lack of emotional intelligence? perhaps. but, then, would someone lacking that been able to get along so well with everyone that you'd introduced me to? hey, even marius engaged with me ;p

but the vulnerability runs far deeper. turning up in athens was an act of placing my heart out in the open -- ready to be loved or to be ravaged. an act of putting the ego aside. faced with threats though, the ego rises up stronger than ever and strikes. meanwhilst the spirit weeps.

possession is not something that i've ever sought. only for love not to be unrequited.

i am a man driven by energy. energy born out of love. but now, for the first time ever, i find myself without a source for that energy. feel alone -- just like most of the 6 billion odd on this planet.

i am sorry.

for being persistent and driving you mad. maybe missed that day in class when everyone was taught to "give up". like roosevelt's man in the arena i feel compelled to keep on trying. in everything. one day death will take me, and perhaps then it can stop.

but whilst sorry, i truly do not know why it is a bad thing. why should i not keep on being in love with you? you, of all people, the only one who truly helped me (knowingly or not) to persist and stay on course with espia when life dealt me several bad hands in a row.

perhaps it has to do with your deep-seated worry of not being taken seriously. don't know where that comes from. perhaps some incidents in your past. perhaps it's a fear all greek girls share. don't know.

sorry too for fighting with you in front of your friend. as manic depressive as hiro is, should have not underestimated the effects on the ego in being challenged in front of one's peers. stupid of me.

perhaps all you wanted was a nice tame greek boy. not a guy in a far away land (not that england is that far away). with crazy ideas. a fucked up mind. and a hypertrophic ego.

should have not got angry with you for not spending enough time around me. you didn't know that i only took a few days of proper "holidays" a year. you didn't realise how precious those minutes were to me. unfair to have assumed otherwise.

should have also realised that expressing too much often backfires. puts too much pressure on the other to feel the same when they are not ready to. but i thought you were. i thought we were. honesty is not always the best policy. a lesson that's still not learnt. will try to.

perhaps my attitudes towards sex in terms of only having it with those i love is fucked up and unhealthy. but, perhaps it's a naive and romantic notion of having the heart and body "pure" -- not that i'm a puritan by any means. perhaps you aren't romantic. dunno.

do i find you sexually attractive?

thought the answer was so blindingly obvious that the only way to deal with it was with my usual tongue-in-cheek humour. but you got pissed off before i could even finish the second half of the sentence.

true, in comparison to most of my skinny model-esque ex-girlfriends, in terms of looks alone you wouldn't hold a candle. but the point that was trying to be made was that i love you for everything that you are, were and can be -- irregardless of the ravagings of time. and, yes, with the furies as my witness, i find you extremely attractive -- mind, body, heart and soul.

you smell so good. so right. there are so few truths in this world -- but that is one.

there is so much i want to do. build cities. bring about a cultural singularity. enable everyone. reality dictates that it won't all
happen. but i truly am content with that. would love to spend time around the world with you. dancing by a lake in africa. listening to some street jazz in kyoto.

if the love is worthy, the universe shall give as many chances as it deserves. but what i miss above all else is the friend that i once had. i miss her. she is smart, funny, caring. a good friend. creativity and chaos in one.

be smiley smootchkiss. alternative universes lay adrift.

ever, tav

Friday 23 February 2007

step 1: read ovid

sometimes dead men have far better advice to offer: